power struggle for the spotlight

i'd say may is my least favourite month of the year.

nothing interesting ever happens.





"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead"
- Charles Bukowski

happy as can be

i've never had a panic attack before last night.

i felt like i was dying.

i couldn't breathe, and i couldn't stay still. my heart was racing and there was nothing i could do to stop it.

my hands were shaking. i thought i was having a heart attack.





"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"
- Bob Dylan

we are nothing

and that's something we're going to have to live with, and deal with every day of our lives.





"I will always be the hopeless romantic, more often pathetic than heroic"
- Chris Lowell

the night has teeth

i know people who know people who know people.

...and that's how we get our hands on fireworks.





"In 20 years, you will be more disappointed by what you didn’t do than by what you did"
- Mark Twain

in a last-ditch attempt to save what was already far beyond repair

the arguments i hear secondhand: you don't spend enough time with us, you never finish what you start, 'how can you even think about that right now?!'

our walls are paper thin; you might want to think about that next time you start discussing (yelling) at each other. beacuse that's not what i want to hear at all.

how am i meant to feel about that?

you clearly know i can hear you, since the next time i see you you ask me my opinion on it, and further drag me into the pettiness i would rather just forget i'd ever heard.





"Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; an argument is an exchange of ignorance"
- Robert Quillen

angels fly, they don't fall in love

i remember looking at you and knowing that this wasn't the way it was supposed to end.

you are the bridge i most regret burning.

i don't know what to say to you. you inspire me.

everything always came so easy to you.

i've tried and i've failed. i've fallen down and i've been stepped on and beaten. i've prayed for it to end, and i've wasted so much time.

this is the person i'm becoming.





"I'm starting to believe the ocean is much like You, 'cause it gives and it takes away."
- Thrice, 'Open Water'

you used to consider wearing pants dressing up

dear kaiser chiefs, we love you.

so, tonight has been amazing.

i've got what's sure to be bruises by tomorrow, and a shirt drenched in other people's sweat.

but that's the thing about gigs, you can get groped and hit and stepped on in the pit, and everything will still be perfectly fine by the morning.





"We've all got things that we’re doing outside the band—I've got five years of letters to open"
- Ricky Wilson

we still don't know what love means

since when was it alright to ridicule someone for being different?

i don't understand how some people can be filled with so much hate. i mean, what does it achieve? are you really so insecure that you have to mock someone else to make yourself feel better?

the fact that you even have to ask is a dead give away, anyway.

but we're here to help.





"But movies never made you famous/All your dreams got lost or traded/And all you ever cared about got lost... And all you ever dreamed of was the cost"
- Dashboard Confessional, 'Where There's Gold'

i drew you a picture, it's pretty if you squint

please don't make me watch the scary scenes in films; no matter how much i promise i won't get scared... i'm lying.

i hate that i'm so afraid of even fiction. being scared of the dark should be enough for one sixteen-year-old to have to deal with, let alone the fact that i'm terrified of bugs, can't stand heights, and jumps at the scary parts in movies.

please spare yourself, and me, just pick a comedy.





"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything"
- Friedrich Nietzsche

your fly's undone

...APRIL FOOLS!





"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth"
- George Burns

over the course of a single day so much happened and yet we all managed to survive

it's over. i'm finally finished.

i'll give up everything i've strived to achieve, everything i've been fighting for.

but when you think about it—and i mean really think about it—does any of this matter? do you remember what you did when you were 16?





"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime is doubly so"
- Douglas Adams

dismantle the moon

i'm sick of pretenses, why can't people say what they think?

i hate it when you talk down to me.

i'm scared of the future.

i stole your lucky bracelet, and then i lost it.

your smile makes me smile.

i get to school late and leave early because i hate being there.

sarcasm is the reason i don't love you.

i hate it when you tell me what i should do; i'll figure it out for myself, i may make a few mistakes along the way, but i'll know i did it on my own.

how about i lie a little less and you lie a little less.





"It's time for a mental health day. So conjugate this: I cut class. You cut class. He/she/it cuts class"
- Laurie Halse Anderson, Melinda Sordino, 'Speak'

self destruction sequence initiated

i want to see you.

i know it's only been a week, but after hearing your voice on the phone...

i went three months without seeing you, talking to you, thinking about you.

you just had to come over last week, didn't you? i was doing so well, i had almost stopped thinking about you. you have someone else, why can't i just forget about you?

why can't you see the way i feel about you? why is everthing so hard when it comes to you?

please do me a favour and stay away, because i know i won't be able to control myself.





"Worry is a misuse of imagination"
- Dan Zadra

you, me, mexico, and my guitar

i just need someone to talk to.

someone who won't make me feel like the lowliest thing on the planet.





"For the most part, fear is nothing but an illusion. When you share it with someone else, it tends to disappear"
- Marilyn C. Barrick

i don't know why he's an opera singer

i'm so overwhelmed right now.

i've been so busy lately, and right now is when i'm getting swamped with assignments.

so, not good.





"Several excuses are always less convincing than one"
- Aldous Huxley

last thing i need first thing in the morning

she keeps asking me if i've been hurting myself. last night she wanted to know whether i'd taken to my own arm with a match.

she stopped talking to me when she saw i was wearing a bandaid on my left arm over the weekend. i bet she thinks that i have nothing to live for, so i may as well end it now.

i hate it when she does that.





"Perhaps there can be no perfection. Only levels of imperfection. Only differences. Each time we move closer and closer, but never can be satisfied. A piece is never complete, only at some stage abandoned"
- Peter Goldsworthy

brightest day, darkest night

you give the best hugs.

too bad i never see you anymore.

and the fact that you have someone else to hug you, and talk to you, and see you more than once every three months.

i miss the way we used to talk. and i miss knowing you.





"I know I'll never really get inside of you. To make your eyes catch fire the way they should."
- The Cure, 'A Letter To Elise'

i'm a psycho. whoa!

your sarcastic comments pretty much break me every time i hear them. why can't you just say that your proud, or that i'm doing something right.

all i hear from you is criticism.

it never stops.




"Don't you come near me. Don't you come close to me. Why don't you fear me? Don't dance so close to me. Because they won't let me stop now."
- Say Anything, 'Little Girls'

a mess of human insecurities

i'm turning into everything i said i would never be.

but i guess it's just the way everything works. i'll try to change. to be a better person. because right about now, i hate who i'm becoming.

"Where are you?/And I’m so sorry/I cannot sleep/I cannot dream tonight... I miss you"
- Blink 182, 'I Miss You'

my non-existent wonderland

isn't it strange how you can talk to someone for so long and realise that you know practically nothing about them?

it's that way for me.

but then you find yourself telling them all about your life and what's going on with you, and they say they understand, but they never offer anything up for discussion.

i just wish you'd open up and let me in.

maybe i'd make a good friend.





"Any idiot can face a crisis. It is this day-to-day living that wears you out"
- Anton Chekhov

gentle violence

don't drag me into your arguments.

i couldn't care less about you or your pety problems, so how about you just leave me out of it.





"Do not go around saying the world owes you a living, the world owes you nothing, it was here first"
- Mark Twain

rain, rain, don't go away

i miss when we were younger and everthing was so big.

i used to love looking up at the stars and imagining what was up there; i haven't even thought about doing that in over a year. everything's too complicated these days, and i'm not sure how to deal with it.

when does it start to get better?





"And why do I deny, the things that burn inside down deep, I'm barely breathing but you just see a smile"
- Paramore, 'Adore'

city, calm down

i don't know what it is; but everything seems a little bit more dull.

cuts don't hurt; the sun (what could be seen of it, anyway) isn't bright; voices are quieter; laughter sounds kind of forced; and nothing out of the ordinary happens.

i hate it here.





"But be careful; sand is already broken but glass breaks. The shoes are for dancing, not running away."
- Francesca Lia Block

that upset look you're giving me

... tells me exactly what you are thinking

i'm so sick of this. silence stretches on for miles and miles. uncomfortable and irritating. i hate it when we're silent; it always means something bad.

why is everything turning to shit?





"We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves, that in the end we become disguised to ourselves"
- Francois de la Rochefoucauld

separation sunday

BANG BANG BANG!

THUD THUD THUD!

can't you just shut up for five fucking minutes

... you're giving me a migrane





"I won't be the victim, but the first to cast a stone"
- Avenged Sevenfold, 'Trashed and Scattered'

powdered demons, liquid lifelines

i've been up watching old school horror movies. so much gore... i love it!

but i'm kind of afraid to go to sleep

i guess that's sort of in the spirit of friday the thirteenth; but i'm literally terrified to shut off the lights and close my eyes. i'll probably be hacked to pieces by jason in my dreams (damn you Friday the 13th!!)





"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality"
- Edgar Allan Poe

you say 'like' too much

so i got my learner's permit today

... is it bad luck that i got it on friday the thirteenth?





"Society honours its living conformists and its dead trouble makers"
- Mignon McLaughlin

keep on smiling

'cause this is what you wanted

...yeah





"Even eternally free people are enslaved by the process of living"
- Chuck Klosterman

birthday candles, baby teeth

i feel like shit.

almost five hours into my sixteenth birthday.

i wish i was somewhere else.





"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life"
- Bertolt Brecht

touch me and i'll scream

does anyone else feel like they don't belong?

i can't help wondering what i'm doing here. am i meant for some greater purpose or am i just another person to fill the void?

i've finally gotten to that point where i don't really care what happens next. it's like i'm numb.

i couldn't care less about what i'm doing or anything that happens to or around me.

maybe it's the weather, or maybe i'm just making excuses, and i'm not sure how much longer i'm going to be able to keep up the happy faces and smiles. it feels like i'm breaking and there's nothing i can do about it.

but i won't do anything.

i never do anything.





"Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where’s it going to end?"
- Tom Stoppard

i cannot live, i cannot breathe

valentine's day sucks.





"When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire"
- The Stars, 'Your Ex-Lover is Dead'

the end has no end

nothing much happens.

we get up, we go to school, we eat lunch, we come home. there's no real change. every day goes the same. it's like i'm living life in a continuous loop, everything going around in a circle, day after day after day.





"Only in books has mankind known perfect truth, love and beauty."
- George Bernard Shaw

hey there, this is the radio!

the heatwave sucks; no heat policy at my school, pretty much dying.

the only upside, there's just one month left of summer, and my air-conditioning has been fixed.




"Basically, I only play one character; I just play him at different volumes"
- Chris Farley

part of the script

Australia day celebrations have come and gone, and i'm due to start year 11 as of tomorrow.

i know pretty much zero people in my year, i don't know where any of my classes are, i'm not even sure how different things are than they used to be; i'm guessing a lot.




"Contrariwise, if it was so, it would be; if it were so, it might be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic"
- Lewis Carroll

damn global warming!

has anyone stepped outside recently, no? i'm pretty sure i know the reason:

IT'S INSANELY HOT OUT THERE!

i've basically been chilling underneath the air conditioner all day

...it's so much nicer there than anywhere else in the world.





"If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t know it well enough"
- Albert Einstein

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does anyone remember the ads for bananas?

i was watching old VHS tapes, and i came across that ad and all i could do was sing along; it was like a compulsion.





"Make Those Bodies Sing!"

i shut my eyes in order to see

i think too much.

i'm in and out. i'm all over the place. i can't seem to do anything right these days, and it's really taking it's toll. i feel like crap, and i can't seem to get rid of this constant feeling of inadequacy. it's like it's been imprinted into my mind. a voice always humming in the back of my head: You're not good enough. Grow up. Stop doing stupid things.

i'm trying to sift through everything i do, but it's such a difficult task. but i'll put on a happy face and smile my way through it like i do with everything else.





"I'm B-grade, underweight but excited to be here. I don't mean what I say, it's okay, please believe me. I said I'm sorry, we could shake hands on it"
- British India, 'I Said I'm Sorry'

close your eyes and make it go away

it's really embarrassing to say, but i'm scared of the dark. it's not so much the shadows and the mystery that frighten me, but the fact that anyone could be out there. i know it sounds stupid and paranoid, but it's a terrifying thought that i can never seem to shake, no matter how hard i try.

i've been told that i'm just "seeking attention" but it's more than that. i'm genuinely scared of what's out there. monsters may only be in storybooks, but it doesn't make them stop seeming real to me.

"None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear"
- Ferdinand Foch

increasingly sporadic

so this is the new year?

... i don't feel any different





"Time doth run with calm and silent foot."
- Christopher Marlowe